I’m not going to lie; the last few months have been pretty tough. I guess it all started a few weeks ago when I found myself investigating the apparent disappearance of a guy who as it turns out wasn’t missing at all; he’d just taken off without telling his wife so he could avoid divorce. He even went so far as to leave a car full of pig’s blood for me to find. I found it difficult because he had an accomplice and he was a really tough guy to read, shifty eyes and constant fidgeting. Was he lying to me? I was in doubt that I would get the truth. That was just the beginning of a long line of car chases, suspicious arsons and a few drainpipe shimmies. At the end of last year I was imprisoned, then inexplicably chosen to assist the emperor through an underground labyrinth that started in my cell. From there it seemed I had quests to fill and not enough time to do it in. I joined a guild or two and really worked hard to overcome some scary obstacles, one including a cave of vampires and a drug trip through an underground lair in a tree.
I suppose I’ve always lived an extraordinary life, when I was about 8 I got together with a few kids and started competitively snowboarding, it was a lot of fun, but I had a little crush on my friend Jam and unfortunately it seemed he and Linda were pretty tight. After our snowboarding group disbanded I moved onto bigger and better things. I liked to explore a lot as a child but during one such exploration I ended up licking some guy (he was rather shy, come to think of it) and mum and dad really wanted me to stop eating fruit I found on the ground.
When I reached about 16 or 17 I had a growth spurt and developed rather gigantic boobs, it was a mystery to me how they moved independently of each other but they did and in spite of my knockers being the obstacle they were I went on to compete in beach volleyball against many other well endowed players. After a few years of skimpy bathing suits and endless volleyball I decided that adventuring would really suit me. I ended up in some pretty far-flung places and mastered the art of gun-toting. By the end of my adventures I was fairly adept at slinging around two shotguns all whilst climbing rather large walls and swinging on oddly available tree vines. After raiding various tombs for interesting artefacts I found myself yet again wanting a new adventure and decided to test out my mettle as an assassin. Turns out I was kind of terrible as I had no idea how to pick pocket successfully and I gave up rather quickly.
By the time I was 19 the world had reached an apocalyptic state and I was forced to fend for myself while in a desperate search for my father. Once reunited I was ready for a new challenge and it seemed I would find it in my discovery of a world full of people who I could control and manipulate. My sister, I had learnt, shared my love of this world but was far more ruthless. I watched in horror as she removed the ladder from a swimming pool and watched as her helpless victims drowned. Another time I was witness to a terrible accident where several of her victims burst into flames after running on a treadmill for hours. After seeing these terrible events I had to move on from this world or risk becoming a sadistic insensitive ruler like my sister Emily.
For the first time in years I found myself at a loss. I was realising that I may not be invincible or have multiple lives, that my dog wasn’t adept at finding dig spots filled with treasure and health potions and worst of all I wasn’t awesome at skateboarding or gun slinging. I was a real life human being. With no save slots. It was time to put down the Nintendo 64 controller/Wii remote/Xbox 360 control/PC mouse and get into the real world. Smell some fresh air, pick some flowers or go to Ballarat to see 4 hours worth of cabaret shows.
Or I could watch all the exciting YouTube trailers for Lara Croft and sharpen my sword in anticipation of some dragon fighting in Skyrim. In fact, I might go ready my Sims for an influx of pets while I wait.
My name is Elise Mercurio and I love video games… *happy sigh*
Ps. I do not have giant boobs that are capable of moving independently of each other, I’m actually convinced that this would be impossible. But amusing?